Transcript

790: You're It

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Prologue: Prologue

Ira Glass

Kelsay Irby isn't somebody who likes being in the spotlight-- in fact, kind of the opposite. And she wasn't looking to get in the newspaper the night that she did the thing that got her national attention. She was just showing up to work like normal at the emergency room at a hospital an hour or so outside Seattle, St. Michael's Medical Center.

Kelsay Irby

So that night when I came in at 7:00, I was looking at the number of patients that were there, which was high.

Ira Glass

Like really high. People were all over the lobby in a messy chaos, sitting in wheelchairs because there weren't enough regular chairs, sitting on the floor, sick kids and their parents, ambulance crews with patients waiting to be seen. Kelsay says it was like an airport gate where the flight's just been canceled. A lot of dissatisfaction, a lot of unrest. And she was short-staffed. Kelsay is the charge nurse. So it's her job to make sure all these patients get seen and that she has enough staff to do that, which has been a problem since COVID at hospitals all over the country, hers included.

So many nurses burned out and left the profession since COVID that it's left hospitals perpetually short-staffed, which, Kelsay points out, makes the job that much more stressful for the nurses who stayed and leads to more of them saying that they can't take it, throwing in the towel, making the problem worse. The people who run Kelsay's hospitals say their staffing levels are in line with national standards and best practices. But Kelsay says, typically, she only has half the nurses she should have for the night shift-- half.

Kelsay Irby

So I was already short-staffed. And then I was going to be two more down. Two of my 7:00 nurses had called in sick.

Ira Glass

And if that weren't enough, they'd had a cyberattack. This was a ransomware attack this past October at one of the largest nonprofit hospital chains in the country. CommonSpirit Health, which meant that, suddenly, they couldn't access patients' medical records on the computer for two weeks.

Kelsay Irby

I cannot overstate how chaotic that made things and how much it slowed us down.

Ira Glass

Normally she keeps track of everybody in the lobby by opening their charts in the computer where she can see if they have lab results yet and get the basic information to figure out who can wait longer and who needs care right away.

Kelsay Irby

And I can see if I need to keep my eye on this patient, or this patient came in for chest pain, but they got punched in the chest by their brother. You know, chances are that it's probably not a heart attack. But because we didn't have our computer system, I wasn't able to see anything other than just "chest pain." Yeah, so--

Ira Glass

Wow.

Kelsay Irby

And I couldn't see vital signs. I couldn't see labs. I couldn't see anything about the patient's history. That is very much like a pilot, you know, flying without instruments in a foggy, stormy night.

Ira Glass

I can't tell as you describe this-- I can't tell, like, is this just a really bad night? Or is this like the worst you'd ever seen?

Kelsay Irby

It was the worst I'd ever seen for all of those reasons. I just felt like it had the potential to be a huge catastrophe.

Ira Glass

A huge catastrophe means what?

Kelsay Irby

The thing that we always worry about the most and the thing that we say a lot when we are short-staffed is we are one bad car accident away from people dying. And not long ago, we had a hospital here in the area who actually had a patient die in the lobby, in the waiting room in the ER.

Ira Glass

Actually, the patient, a 41-year-old woman, became unresponsive in the waiting room and then was pronounced dead when she got into an ER bed.

Kelsay Irby

And that's a huge-- that's a huge fear. I'm just terrified that we're going to go out there and find somebody dead.

Ira Glass

She realized she just had to get more nurses to cover these cases. So she did the normal things that a charge nurse is supposed to do in that situation. First, she checked with the hospital supervisor, a.k.a. the house mom.

Kelsay Irby

I don't know what we'll ever do if it's a guy because the "house mom" is really the term.

Ira Glass

The house mom has the power to send somebody from elsewhere in the hospital to help out in the ER for a few hours-- nurses, lab techs who can draw blood, transport staff, anybody. So she reaches the house mom.

Kelsay Irby

And that night, there was nothing. There was no available help to be had.

Ira Glass

Second thing she tries, she asked that they page every single person who works for the ER, see if anybody who's not working will come in. Nobody says yes. Third thing, she asks if they can divert ambulances to other hospitals so they're not adding to the patient count in her emergency room. But she's told, no, computers are down at the hospital they would send patients to and they're struggling also.

Fourth thing, there's an ambulance company that the ER has a contract with and has called in, in the past, in exactly this kind of situation where they're short-staffed.

Kelsay Irby

To help us take vital signs on patients in the lobby or just do a tour of the lobby and just check on everybody. Those are things that helps us process patients faster.

Ira Glass

But the ambulance company was too busy to send anybody. So she tried four things, all the normal things you're supposed to do. Four things failed. Was there any place else she could turn for more help? Then she got an idea, the thing that landed her in the papers. She called 911.

The headlines basically were, ER nurse calls 911 for help. Though, I should say, she did not actually dial the numbers 9 then 1 then 1. She has a regular phone number that you can call and just talk to the 911 dispatcher.

Kelsay Irby

It wasn't like a momentous decision-making process for me. It was just desperation.

[BEEP]

911 Dispatcher

Central communications, how can I help you?

Kelsay Irby

Hey, this is Kelsay over at St. Mike's in the ED. I am calling to see if you guys have any available crews that can come in and help us in our lobby. We are drowning.

911 Dispatcher

OK, hang on for me one moment.

Kelsay Irby

OK, yeah, I don't know what hoops I have to jump through, but my house mom is drowning as well. So I thought, I'm just going to call and see what I might be able to make happen.

Ira Glass

Can I just say the thing that really strikes me is you sound so calm.

Kelsay Irby

And that is really kind of part of the job description of being the charge nurse. And I've been like that my whole life, even as a kid. In the moment of crisis, I tend to stay pretty calm and focused and get home and cry.

Ira Glass

Did you go home and cry at the end of this night?

Kelsay Irby

That night and, yeah, though it wasn't the only time that I went home and cried during that week.

911 Dispatcher

How many patients are there?

Kelsay Irby

Right now I have, it looks like, about-- so I have about-- so in the lobby, I have two nurses for about 45 patients, which is horrible.

And I can hear it in my voice. I can hear my alarm. Even though it sounds to the outsider that I sound like I'm really calm, I can hear little things in my voice that tell me that I'm freaking out, and I'm trying to hide it.

Ira Glass

Yeah, yeah, tell me what you're hearing that gives that away to you.

Kelsay Irby

The laughter, really, is the thing that gives that away to me.

I mean, I know it's like unprecedented times, unprecedented request, but I figured it was worth a shot.

911 Dispatcher

Right--

Kelsay Irby

A little nervous laugh, kind of like, I don't know what else to do. It's almost like I am-- I'm throwing myself at your mercy because I have no, I have no other options.

911 Dispatcher

What's your name?

Kelsay Irby

Kelsay. I'm a charge nurse tonight. Lucky me.

911 Dispatcher

OK. OK. Yeah, I'm going to see what we can do here.

Ira Glass

911 decides to help her out. They sent an ambulance crew with three people. The three of them work the lobby, help monitor and process patients. They're there for nearly two hours, which is enough to get Kelsay over the hump. Afterwards, when nurses around the country hear about this, they call Kelsay a shero, they reach out to her. Some of them said, thanks for the idea, call 911. I'm going to keep that one in mind just in case.

Ira Glass

Did it seem heroic to you, what you did?

Kelsay Irby

Not at all. Not at all. I don't see it that way. And I just saw it as solving a problem, doing my job trying to solve a problem.

Ira Glass

She was the charge nurse. It was on her to figure things out. She basically raised her hand when she took the job and said, I'm it, and then had to deal with everything that followed, stuff she never predicted or imagined, which is true of everybody in our show today. We have stories where people are like, oh, I'm going to be the one to fix that. And only later did they really discover, to their surprise, what that can really entail. Even when you think you see things coming, you've got it under control, that's who you are, you do not see things coming. From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life. I'm Ira Glass. Stay with us.

Act One: Every Day is Father's Day

Ira Glass

Act One, Every day is Father's Day. Family relationships, they get set in certain patterns that usually just harden over time. I heard somebody recently used the word "cooked" to describe their relationship with a parent. That relationship is cooked, it's done, it's not going to change. Megan Tan felt that way about her and her dad.

For years, they'd been distant. He was super critical of her. She stopped engaging, moved across the country, stayed away. And then something happened that made Megan decide to try to uncook the relationship, to remake it with different ingredients, which is one of the things that you just can't tell how it's going to go till you try. Here's Megan.

Megan Tan

My relationship with my father has always felt tail-chasing, like we can never get close. It just didn't work. We're pretty different. And he'll be the first to tell you how. This is a call from 2021.

Vincent

Yes, you're more emotional than--

Megan Tan

Than you are?

Vincent

Yeah.

Megan Tan

Yeah.

Vincent

'Cause you cry out in the open.

Megan Tan

I do cry out in the open. [CHUCKLING] What about you? When do you cry? Do you cry ever?

Vincent

Don't compare. I don't cry. I hardly cry.

Megan Tan

Oh, why?

Vincent

That's me. That's the way I was brought up.

Megan Tan

"That's the way I was brought up," he says. But it's hard to get him to say more than that. It's conversations like this that remind me I'm always getting to know my father.

When I was little, he didn't teach us the language he grew up speaking. So I thought one way we could become close is if I learned Mandarin Chinese. When I was a freshman in college, I spent a whole year in the library learning how to write characters, doing rote memorization, burning phrases into my brain.

Megan Tan

[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]

Vincent

[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] Happy New Year, that's common thing people [INAUDIBLE].

Megan Tan

Come on, Dad, I'm trying here.

Over the phone, I remind him of what happened my first break home from college. We sat across the table and I showed off my new skills.

Megan Tan

I wanted to learn Chinese because I was trying to understand you and trying to get closer to you. And then I studied and studied and studied. And then I came home. That was the first time you ever told me that you didn't speak Chinese.

Vincent

Yep. Surprise.

Megan Tan

"Surprise," he says. And, yeah, I was surprised, shocked, really. Especially when I said, [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] and he said, I have no idea what you're saying. I was 18 years old when my dad told me for the first time he spoke Teochew. In the end, he told me I should learn Spanish instead. It's more practical in America.

I suppose this is when I should share some warm childhood memories of my dad. But when I reach back in my memory, I don't really see him. I don't see him at my birthday parties, volleyball games, or academic award ceremonies. He was pretty closed off, icy, shuttered. I remember how he always said "no," how walking around him meant you walked softly. I remember his mood swings and how nothing I did felt like it was enough.

I would tell him I got all A's. He would say, but you didn't do the dishes. I would pay for my own ballet classes. He would say, why are you wasting money on exercising?

By the time, I went to college I had accepted how things were between us. I tried not to tell him anything I cared about because I didn't think he really cared to listen. He didn't really want to know me. But we always stayed in touch, even though it was pretty surface. I would call him, check in.

Then, in 2021, my dad sunk into a deep depression. He was in such a dark place my older sister Kristel called me. She's in Ohio. I'm all the way in LA. She didn't know what to do.

I felt for my father. So I made him a part of my daily routine. I would call him every morning to remind him someone was thinking of him.

In January of 2022, I call my father three times and he doesn't respond. Wednesday, nothing. Saturday, I leave a message. Monday, I leave another message.

Just as I'm putting my phone down, he calls me back. Hello? Dad? His voice is scratchy and dry. I can barely hear what he's saying. He's calling me from the floor.

What do you mean you're on the floor? He fell. He's been on the floor for five days. I'm panicking. I keep my dad on my phone while I call Kristel with my boyfriend's phone. She says she's rushing over and hangs up.

On the line with my dad, I keep him talking. I listen closely to his breathing. Then I hear everything unfold.

Through his phone, I hear my sister come into his apartment. I hear her call 911. I hear medics rush through the door. They ask my father a few questions.

What's his name? Where does he live? How old is he?

I hear a stretcher unfold. My sister picks up his phone and tells me she'll call me right back. Click.

I call my sister and ask for updates every day. The doctors don't know why my father fell. They don't know if he had a heart attack or a stroke. My sister tells me he's barely awake. He's having a hard time talking, walking, and going to the bathroom.

After my dad is discharged from the hospital and checked into a rehabilitation facility, I buy a one-way plane ticket. I'm on my way back to my hometown in Ohio. My dad is 75, but when I see him for the first time after his fall, he looks like he's 90. Usually, he's a round, big belly guy. But now his skin is hanging off his face.

His eyes are sunken in. His hair is unrecognizably long. And he has a beard. I didn't even know he could grow a beard.

Beside him is a walker. I quickly kiss him on the cheek and say, "Hi, Dad," pretending to be unfazed. I'm coming in all smiles. I'm the youngest in my family, you know, the one who makes the jokes, who intentionally brings an upbeat Kimmi Schmidt, Ted Lasso can-do spirit to family gatherings.

I kind of thought when I touched down in Ohio I would be the sunshine that saves my family. I would swoop in, relieve my sister, help my dad bounce back to himself, and then be back on an airplane. My dad spends a couple of weeks at the rehabilitation facility and then moves back home to his apartment.

I start living with him temporarily. I get him into a routine. And every morning, I have him do an exercise he loathes.

Megan Tan

OK, smile three times. Ready? One. Nice, OK, rest. All right, two. Big teeth, big teeth, there you go. OK, three, mm. Big, big, big, cheese, cheese, cheese. Beautiful. Smiling looks good on you, Dad.

I want his grin to remind him of the person he used to be, the person who moved across the world, Singapore to the US, as a 22 year old, totally alone to pursue a dream to attend college and study art. My father loved to draw. He made his living drawing and drafting streets at a civil engineering firm.

When we were all sleeping, he'd sketch cartoons and figures on old newspapers. I'd find them in the kitchen the next morning all over the metro section. After my dad retired, he would fly home to Singapore by himself to see his family. He would cook incredible Chinese food, fill his sketchbooks with portraits, and he was always in the middle of some big biography.

I want to say, Dad, that's who you are and that's who you can be again. But he fights me. He says, "no" and "I can't." This becomes his default response to everything. I feel like he's the boulder and I'm Sisyphus.

It's weird to be in my hometown for more than three days. Usually, I'm in and I'm gone. As I accompany my sister and my dad to visit doctor after doctor, I feel like I'm getting a peek into their life together.

Kristel is 10 years older than me. When my parents got a divorce and sold our childhood home, she helped them sell it. She helped my father move into his apartment, connected him to his doctor when he needed one. For most of our lives, Kristel has been the one shouldering the family responsibilities I've always avoided.

At one appointment, we visit my father's psychiatric nurse practitioner. After the three of us settle into her office, she directs her focus on my father. She asks him some intimate questions about his health and how he's been feeling, his mood, his motivation.

He answers honestly. He tells her he has nothing to live for, that there's no purpose in his life anymore, and that he feels lonely and isolated. I sit quietly and sink into the chair. My father would never say this to us directly, which is why I'm hearing it all for the first time.

A few minutes go by. And then the nurse turns to us. Because of his weakness, poor balance, cloudy thinking, and general fatigue, he can't live alone anymore, she says. She asks if he agrees. He does. But he tells her he feels guilty about burdening us. She looks at us again, smiles, and says one more thing, he should probably move in with one of you.

Kristel and I talk it through. Dad could move in with her. But, to be honest, I don't know if that's such a good idea. She has a kid, multiple jobs. Her life is already so full, so stressful.

But in LA, my apartment is on the first floor. I have a walk-in shower, all the things he needs. I could do it. On my own, I decide, it has to be me. It just does.

Instead of seeing this moment as a burden, I want to see it as an opportunity. My father and I could become closer if we live together. But I need him to want this too. So at a family meeting, I put living in LA on the table to see what he says.

Megan Tan

Two big questions, stay in Ohio or move to California. It's like choose your own adventure.

Vincent

Based on my health basis, I don't think I can do either one.

Megan Tan

That's not a part of--

Kristel

That's not an option, Dad.

Megan Tan

Yeah, and if you come to California, you would be staying with me. You say, me and Megan, new roommate situation, [LAUGHS] OK? If you stay in Ohio, you would be either in a retirement facility--

Vincent

Oh yeah?

Megan Tan

Yeah.

It's clear my dad doesn't want to commit to anything. After 10 minutes of circling around a decision, I start to get impatient. I asked my father pointedly--

Megan Tan

If I said, you have to move to California and live with me, how would you feel about that?

Vincent

I feel great.

Megan Tan

Oh, oh, great.

Vincent

OK. All done.

Megan Tan

OK, great, let's choose that one. You said you'll feel great?

Vincent

I like California.

Megan Tan

I do too.

Vincent

But--

Megan Tan

No, no, no, I like this. Da-da-da-da.

Vincent

Logistics.

Megan Tan

Oh, Dad, logistics are logistics.

We're in Ohio for another three weeks. Now that we're counting down the days, my father's anxiety is ramping up. He doesn't understand how he's going to get on the plane or how we're going to get out of his apartment lease. He doesn't think he has enough pants for California. Everything is impossible.

Megan Tan

What's our deal? To have hope. Can you have hope? Say yes. Can you have hope? Say yes. Yes.

It's hard for me to listen to this. I sound forceful, like a sunshine bully. My dad tries to say something, but I quickly interrupt him.

Vincent

[MUMBLING]

Megan Tan

Is this negative energy? What do you have to have? What do you have to have? Hope. Can you have hope?

Vincent

Here we go again.

Megan Tan

Yeah. We're going to live together.

Vincent

How?

Megan Tan

Step by step. We're going to make it work, OK? I need you to trust me. Remember?

Yes, trust me, your 31-year-old daughter, who has never been a caretaker before and is taking you away from everything you know.

Flight Attendant

Good morning and welcome aboard. Your flight crew this morning is Captain Oscar--

Megan Tan

Before this, I lived alone for three years. Then my boyfriend moved in and now my dad. There are three of us in my one bedroom apartment. When we walk in, I immediately start dad-proofing the rooms. I roll up all of my colorful rugs so my dad doesn't slip and fall. In my bathroom, I install a raised toilet seat and grip bars.

I give my father my bed and my bedroom. My boyfriend and I get the pullout bed in our dining room/office. I hide all my lingerie and sexy bathing suits.

When my father lands in Los Angeles, he's still incredibly weak. And I'm not just his daughter. I'm also his secretary. I find him doctors and book his appointments. When he needs to pay a bill, we pay it together.

I'm also his nurse. I help him change his clothes and take showers. When he has an accident, I clean up the floors. He's having a hard time eating and I'm watching him lose weight. I monitor his appetite and cook him specific meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I've brought in a crew of people to help. There's a speech, physical, and occupational therapists and a nurse who all come to visit. An hour here, an hour there. But I'm the first person he sees in the morning and the last person he sees at night. The weight of his moment-to-moment life is fully on my shoulders and I had no idea how heavy it would be.

He can't sit down without my help, can't take a shower without me there. Every move he makes, I'm right beside him, his shadow. Still, I try to resume my life, launch back into work, make plans with friends, go out to bars. I try to take my dog to the park, cook and clean the house like usual.

But it's just not possible. I cancel on my friends last minute. I can't keep the house clean. And I'm constantly running late to meetings. His life is my life. It's all consuming.

But I can't tell my father that. We're together all the time. But I feel like I'm living this part of our life alone. And it's only been two weeks.

I need my dad to depend on me a little less or start to move in that direction. So I try to help him. At the kitchen table, I surround us with post-it notes and colorful markers, ready to brainstorm.

Megan Tan

If you can have anything, what do you want it to be?

I'm definitely more into this future planning than he is. He's closing his eyes and starting to fall asleep.

Megan Tan

Dad?

Vincent

How can you answer that question?

Megan Tan

How can you answer that question?

Vincent

Yeah.

Megan Tan

I don't know. Just make a goal.

My dad once told me before I go to bed, I should envision the things I want to accomplish, that he used to do that. That's how he came to America. And that's always worked for me. But I can't convince him to make any goals. So I pick up a marker and start doing it for him.

Megan Tan

You want to become independent?

Vincent

Yeah.

Megan Tan

I'm so blinded by my own determination to move him forward. Maybe he does need to sleep. But that's not what I'm thinking right now. I'm afraid. I write down a few more goals like walk without my walker, change clothes by myself.

Megan Tan

How about cooking for myself and my daughter? How about that? That's a good one. What's another one, Dad? Dad, are you there?

His eyes are closed. He's tapped out and so am I. No one ever told me my father would become independent again. No nurse told me he would or wouldn't walk without his walker. No doctors told me he would or wouldn't drive.

I don't know what's realistic, which means I'm in my own ideal world and I'm just winging it . I'm making up these goals. I want to imagine a better life for him. And he's improving, little by little, day by day.

He's able to sit down and stand up on his own. But I notice he's not making his bed. He's able to walk more confidently, but he's not going outside. He's able to stay awake longer, but he's not being social.

He spends hours in the middle of the day lying in his bed doing nothing. That's when I'm the most frustrated with him. I storm into his room or I cry to myself in a corner. Exhausted by my own emotions, I call up a Buddhist friend who just encourages me to just let him be and to love him exactly as he is, to respect his life if he leaves his bedroom or not.

I start writing that phrase down every day for myself. "I will respect my father's life. I will love him exactly as he is," something I've never written down before. And this becomes my new goal, to hold my tongue, to say less.

It's hard. I slip up all the time, especially when it comes to his medication. Dad, did you take your medication yet? It's 10:00. You were supposed to take it at 9:30.

Sometimes I catch myself. You're doing that thing again. You're making it sound like he's messing up. But some days, I can't stop.

Did you drink your water today? I interrogate him. Are you sure? Your water bottle looks full.

I'm starting to realize it's the small stuff I say every day, the little things that can chip away at him the most. Because that's what he did to me. When he gets all A's, I focus on how he didn't do the dishes. It takes me a while.

Eventually, I do get better. When it's 2:00 in the afternoon and I notice that my dad has been lying in bed for the past three hours, I go into his room and I ask if he wants to go for a walk. He says "no" and I just say "OK." I let him be.

It's June now. We're three months in and I've been practicing saying less. We get on the phone with Kristel.

Megan Tan

Well, give her an update. How are you doing, Dad?

Vincent

What update?

Kristel

What update?

Vincent

How's work?

Kristel

What's going on?

Vincent

Huh?

Kristel

It's fine.

Vincent

Huh?

Kristel

Yeah.

Vincent

I mean, work-work I'm talking about, not your housework.

Kristel

Yeah, it's fine. [CHUCKLING]

Megan Tan

Can you tell he's stronger? [CHUCKLING]

Kristel

Yeah.

Vincent

My appetite got better.

Megan Tan

That's one of the first times I've heard my father recognize he's progressing out loud.

Kristel

What? That's awesome. And Megan's feeding you good food, I hear?

Vincent

I guess.

Megan Tan

[GIGGLING]

I'm laughing because I know he's joking. In the past, I might have gotten defensive. But now I know him better.

Megan Tan

And he's helping around the house. He helped me organize my cables yesterday. Tell them what you did yesterday.

Vincent

We went to the park.

Megan Tan

What did we have to eat, Dad?

Vincent

Snacks, crackers.

Kristel

Crackers?

Vincent

Yeah, we're running out of food right now.

Megan Tan

We're not running out of food. We just need to go to grocery store like every family on a Sunday.

Is he really worried we're running out of food? I'm trying to get better at listening to him, like really listening. I don't want to brush him off or just tell him everything is fine. So I ask him directly about his worries and fears. He lists off a few things. He's worried about his car, his clothes, where all the stuff from his apartment went.

Megan Tan

Do you have anything else you're worried about?

Vincent

A lot of things I'm worried about.

Megan Tan

What are you worried about?

Vincent

Money.

Megan Tan

What would make you not worried about money?

Vincent

More money.

Kristel

[GIGGLING]

Megan Tan

As I'm loosening up, he's loosening up too. And I can tell he's coming into himself again. During breakfast when we're sitting at the dining room table, conversations that used to be dominated by his health status are replaced with mundane talks about whatever, which is great.

Megan Tan

Did you have any dreams?

Vincent

Yeah, all kinds of dreams.

Megan Tan

Oh, like what?

Vincent

I'm trying to solve a problem.

Megan Tan

What was the problem?

Vincent

A math problem.

Megan Tan

A math problem?

Vincent

Yeah.

Megan Tan

That was the dream?

Vincent

Yeah, I screwed up. I don't remember.

Megan Tan

Don't remember the math problem?

Vincent

Yeah. What about you?

Megan Tan

No dreams.

Vincent

No dreams? Nothing?

Megan Tan

No.

So now we talk about all kinds of things. But I hadn't asked him about how he thought it was going. Was I pushing him too hard? How was he feeling? Then, a few weeks ago, one afternoon, he shuffles into my office. I sit him in a chair and we get into it. I ask him, those first few weeks in LA, what was he thinking?

Vincent

Those days, I was in a state of shock.

Megan Tan

You were in a state of shock?

Vincent

Trauma.

Megan Tan

Yeah.

Vincent

Yeah. Having to change planes, change house, moving here and moving there. It was just dizzy.

Megan Tan

Dizzy, his mind was dizzy. When I asked my father specifically about whether or not making goals was helpful, he tells me they weren't.

Vincent

Even though you have good intentions, I just cannot see the outcome. Every day I ask myself, what am I-- what am I going to do? My mind doesn't open. Just block. It's a block. I had nothing to look forward to. That's the way I felt, yeah.

Megan Tan

That's the way you felt then?

Vincent

Yeah, until I overcome my injuries, I didn't feel confident to be able to do all these things. And I don't think anybody will help me do this.

Megan Tan

Why?

Vincent

Because that's the way life is. Being dependent on somebody to do all these things, it's not easy, yeah.

Megan Tan

Do you feel like I'm pushing you?

Vincent

No, no, essentially, you're trying to encourage me, trying to get me set in the positive direction.

Megan Tan

It's not annoying?

Vincent

It could be annoying, but I don't have much to say.

Megan Tan

What do you mean?

Vincent

Well, I know you're trying to do your best. Yeah. And I try to follow you, yeah. 'Cause I know you think much about me.

Megan Tan

This isn't the first time my dad has told me that he sees me and everything I've been doing. But every time he says it, it still gets to me. Me doing my best is enough.

Vincent

After I fell, I felt that you were more concerned about my life than ever before, yeah.

Megan Tan

Whereas before, we were just living separately, right?

Vincent

Yeah, living separately and after I fell, you get to know more, know more about me, I believe. I get to know more about your workings, how you feel. What is this? This is good. And your determination, determination to help me. Not a surprise, but just not a shock.

Megan Tan

It could be a shock. Was it a surprise?

Vincent

Yeah, it was a surprise. Yeah.

Megan Tan

Why was it a surprise?

Vincent

Because I never thought that you really do care.

Megan Tan

It takes me a while to process what he's saying. I never knew he felt like I never cared. Because I've always cared. But maybe he's right. Maybe I didn't care as much as I care now.

Ira Glass

Megan Tan is the host of Snooze, a podcast from LAist Studios. Her story was produced by Laura Starcheski. Coming up, the surprising power of making a spreadsheet full of profanities. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

It's This American Life. I'm Ira Glass. Today's program, "You're It," stories of the people who step up and say, I will take care of this, I've got this, and the very, very unexpected places that can lead them.

Act Two: Game of Phones

Ira Glass

We have arrived at Act Two of our show, Act Two, Game of Phones. So over the last few years, one of our producers, Chana Joffe-Walt, has been checking in with somebody who decided that they were going to be it, like, forever ago and wears the mantle well. She's a school principal, likes being in charge, was great about the whole thing of the buck stopping with her. She is very consistent about it, except for one choice she made that Chana did not understand. Here she is.

Chana Joffe-Walt

A school principal is a pretty classic "you're it" job. It's all you. When the school needs new math books, a new curriculum, a new budget, you're it. A pipe broke and now the science classroom is flooded, you're it. Students got into a fight at lunch, seven teachers called in sick today and now there are 14 minutes to rearrange the entire schedule and communicated to everyone involved, all you.

Because of this, the job tends to attract a certain type of person, a person who believes they can or should or needs to be the one called on in any given moment. Often, but not always, this is also a person who is quick to color code, has contingency plans for everything, and loves a system. You'll find variations. You've got your brilliant visionary types and the parking rules people, the person whose task lists are alphabetical, and the person who is more playing it by ear and talks about holding space.

Dr. Teresa Hill is somehow a little bit of all of these people. The first time I tried to describe her to someone else, I found myself saying, she's just such a principal. When I first talked to her, Dr. Hill had recently become Arizona Principal of the Year. I'd heard of Teacher of the Year. I didn't know Principal of the Year was a thing, but it is. And in 2021, Dr. Hill was the one who was picked.

Teresa Hill

Yeah, no, it was just a phone call. I was in my office. It was a summer. There wasn't a lot going on and received the call, you know, congratulations, you are the Arizona Principal of the Year.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Why do you think you won?

Teresa Hill

Oh, who knows?

Chana Joffe-Walt

I do. That was a fake-out question. I know. Dr. Hill's assistant principal nominated her. You're actually supposed to apply yourself. But the assistant principal knew Dr. Hill wouldn't actually do it. So she got the ball rolling, writing, quote, "Dr. Hill has built the culture at Walden Grove High School from the ground up."

It's one of those schools that's friendly and warm. People feel excited about what they do. A few months after Dr. Hill was elevated to Principal of the Year, that's when she made a choice that seemed so unlike her, the opposite of everything she is.

That story begins in August 2021. And you remember this time-- COVID, then schools reopening, there were teacher shortages, parents angry about masks and having to keep their kids home. And when I saw Dr. Hill facing the chaos and vitriol of that miserable period of time, I thought, oh, just watch this woman own this mess. We are about to see all the wizardry of principalness brought to bear on the situation. She's going to rein this right in.

Here's what things looked like at Dr. Hill's school. The county had mandated that students had to quarantine if they were exposed to COVID at school and weren't vaccinated. So Dr. Hill enforced this mandate.

Parents pushed back. One group of parents came to her school and refused to leave the lobby after one of their kids had to quarantine. They were there for hours. They were arrested. They filmed themselves being arrested, posted it online, and the videos made headlines. And after that, Dr. Hill's office administrator said there were angry voicemail messages on the school phone.

Teresa Hill

And I went to her and said, hey, I need you to send me those messages. And she just shook her head and she had tears in her eyes. And she was like, you don't want to hear these messages. I told her it's OK. I just said, I understand, I know. I know they're not good. I just, I need them. So just send them to me. It's OK.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Why did you need them?

Teresa Hill

Well, everything that I did always was from a perspective of, like, I'm not going to make you do something that I'm not going to do myself. And I wasn't going to put that on her to have to sort through, you know what I mean? And that's kind of the way that I dealt with anything as a principal. It's like, I'm the leader of the school and I need to make sure that I'm taking care of things.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Principal Hill assumed the voicemails were about the videos that were circulating online, blaming her for enforcing the county quarantine rules. So angry messages on the school voicemail went straight to the bottom of her to do list.

Teresa Hill

And I went about my day and did all the normal things of what I would do where, you know, I'm out supervising for lunch and supervising before school, between classes, you know, going into classes, whatever, just doing my normal thing. And then it wasn't until the end of the day once the buses have left and kids-- and teachers are kind of leaving. And then I started listening to them.

Disgruntled Caller 1

I hope your principal, your district, your high school, every one of you fucking morons gets sued into oblivion.

Chana Joffe-Walt

That was the first one. I want to say, if you're sensitive to profanity, this doesn't let up. Principal Hill kept listening.

Disgruntled Caller 2

You are committing war crimes against the people of the United States. You guys are shameful, disgusting, vile, evil. And you better check yourself before Christ.

Disgruntled Caller 3

Shame on you. You guys definitely without a doubt suck ass.

Teresa Hill

Now, in the first few, I'm not really affected personally, I guess. You know what I mean? Like, I can hear people are mad. I can hear that they're venting.

Like, whatever, I can deal with all that. I'm a high school principal. I deal with all kinds of conflict, right? It's not the end of the world. I'm not here to make everybody love me. No big deal. But, definitely, when the fourth one comes, then things get real.

Disgruntled Caller 4

Yes, hi, if you could just let Teresa Hall-- I'm sorry, Teresa Hill, the principal of Walden Grove High School, know that America is watching her and if she could do everybody in this country a favor and disappear, maybe spin on a sandpaper dildo, maybe run backwards through a cornfield, maybe eat the end of a shotgun. Any of those things would be acceptable. So tell her she better watch her six.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Dr. Hill paused. She was sitting alone in her office, door closed, listening on speakerphone. And she'd been clicking through the messages-- next message, next message-- until this one.

Teresa Hill

I'd never received anything like that as a principal, as a teacher. I mean like, whoa, what the heck, you know?

Chana Joffe-Walt

Yeah.

Teresa Hill

Yeah. Yeah, "eat the end of a shotgun," maybe you should "eat the end of a shotgun."

Chana Joffe-Walt

She slowly repeated the words of the messages to herself. And then, she got back to work.

Teresa Hill

OK, I think I need, I need to save these. They were telling me that they were going to sue me. And I thought, you know what? I want to make sure that I have this on record. And so as I was listening to the first-- to them for the first time, I was also transcribing them.

Chana Joffe-Walt

You started transcribing word for word what people were saying?

Teresa Hill

Yeah.

Disgruntled Caller 5

You're bullies, cowards, and deniers of freedom.

Chana Joffe-Walt

She typed "cowards, deniers of freedom." There are 40 messages like these.

Disgruntled Caller 6

Shame, shame, shame.

Chana Joffe-Walt

She was playing them on speakerphone and her assistant principal overheard, came in to help Dr. Hill transcribe in case she needed these messages for something in the future, maybe as evidence, she thought.

Disgruntled Caller 7

How about we end up outside your guys' houses? We're not going to protest the school. We'll go directly to your bloody fucking homes.

Chana Joffe-Walt

"Bloody fucking homes," Dr. Hill types.

Chana Joffe-Walt

As a person who has transcribed a lot of audio because of my job, it takes a really long time. And if you are trying to get it word for word, you have to go back over and over again.

Teresa Hill

Yeah, I mean, there were times where I was-- we would look at each other and I was like, did they say this or did they say that? And she would say, I heard this. I'm like, oh, I heard this. So let's play it again. And we would play it again.

Chana Joffe-Walt

To be like, did he say, you definitely are a sick ass or you suck ass?

Teresa Hill

Right. Oh yeah, mm-hmm.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Oh my god.

Teresa Hill

Yeah. I was typing away. I would stop. I would go back, type again. And like, unfortunately, I couldn't just go back a little bit. So I literally, when I went to restart, I would have to listen to the message from the very beginning all the way through again. I mean, man, it was brutal.

Chana Joffe-Walt

But she kept going all the way through the end. She could get this under control. She could create a useful document. And I'm not talking about a simple transcript.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Tell me about the format. This is a spreadsheet. Why did you choose to do it this way?

Teresa Hill

I guess I'm a math teacher and I like spreadsheets more than I like Word. [LAUGHS]

Chana Joffe-Walt

It has columns. You say the message number, the time, the date, the phone number of the person.

Teresa Hill

Yeah.

Chana Joffe-Walt

It feels to me like, oh, when I saw it, I was like, of course she's a principal. She has organized, clear information. Did it feel like you were interacting with it in the way that you might a school budget or--

Teresa Hill

Yeah, I mean, I even highlighted so you could see, this is a direct threat. This is an implied threat. I just felt like it was a lot more organized this way. And I think that's part of why I did it. It's something I can control, getting the phone number, writing down what is exactly said. I think that transcribing actually, it helped me, like, detach myself from what was being said and make it more like a job. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Chana Joffe-Walt

That makes so much sense. That makes so much sense. Yeah.

Principal Hill sent her spreadsheet to the superintendent, noting the threats that may still need investigating by police, helpfully color coded by degree of danger, the same way she may have shared, say, a color chart that allows you to assess and visualize student achievement. It's not an obvious choice to respond this way. But everything she did in response to these messages felt so in line with who she is and how she operates.

She managed it. She contained the problem and shielded everyone else from unnecessary distress. She didn't share the messages with anyone else-- her colleagues, her husband. She told her family she'd gotten some threats and to be on alert for strange cars.

And she began parking in the back of the school and entering that way. She told me she imagined if someone was waiting to snipe her out when she arrived for work in the morning, they'd be sitting by the front door. She said this casually, not like a person who was panicked or scared, but a person who was taking the appropriate steps to deal with the problem. It was handled.

And then we get to the choice that I did not understand. Principal Hill quit in the middle of the school year. Just six months after she was named Principal of the Year, she left her job.

She didn't leave immediately after the harassment. She kept going to work for a couple of months. But the voicemails started to get to her.

The thing about listening to something over and over is that it stays with you. That was the accidental side effect of transcribing these messages. Principal Hill says the words became ingrained in her head. And she would find herself in a meeting or supervising lunch outside and they'd pop back up.

Teresa Hill

You know, I'd find myself in the courtyard, like, not talking to anybody, you know? Just like in my own little world sitting there by myself, not interacting with kids and doing the things that I like to do.

I'm a pretty positive person. And I like to keep things light and move forward. And this was like heavy on me.

Chana Joffe-Walt

You couldn't move forward.

Teresa Hill

At the time, I couldn't, no. And I had a hard time. Because you know deep down how you feel. You don't feel good. And, yet, it's not healthy for anyone in your organization to know how you feel. So you slap on a smile--

Chana Joffe-Walt

Wait, why? Why?

Teresa Hill

You know, you put on a happy face and--

Chana Joffe-Walt

What is that? That's some principal thing that people can't know how you feel?

Teresa Hill

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, people want leaders who are strong but who aren't emotional. And, you know, I don't-- I don't ever want to put my own burdens and my own challenges on my people.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Dr. Hill is so good at keeping what she feels to herself that even after we talked about this for hours, I still didn't understand why she had to leave, why this was the thing that she couldn't shake off. But then, months after she left her job, Dr. Hill gave testimony in court. And she spoke candidly in public about her experience of all this for the first time.

The parents who wouldn't leave her school were charged with trespassing. There was a whole trial. They were found guilty.

And then the judge asked Dr. Hill if she wanted to say anything. Did she want to share the effect this had on her? And she did. She talked about her fear. And this time, she wasn't all casual in describing avoiding the front entrance of the school.

Teresa Hill

I couldn't go through the front of the school in this day and age with shootings and attacks on public officials. If you listen to the messages and you heard their anger and their blood pressure raised, I feared for my safety and I feared for the safety of my family. This has negatively impacted me physically.

I've had health problems because of this. It's impacted me mentally. And, unfortunately, the biggest impact is it affected me professionally. Never in my 29 years as an educator would I think of leaving my school halfway through the year.

Chana Joffe-Walt

She said to the judge, you have to understand what I had to listen to.

Teresa Hill

I don't want to cuss, but I think I need you to understand here. If it's OK, I can quote some of those messages that were left for me.

Chana Joffe-Walt

The judge gives permission to cuss. And Dr. Hill, who had prepared nothing, has nothing written down, begins repeating the messages verbatim. It's like she's been waiting to let them out.

Teresa Hill

I was called a fucking cunt. I was told to sit and spin on a sandpaper dildo. I was told to disappear. I was told to eat the end of a shotgun.

I was told not to go out in public. I was told, we're not coming to the school, we're coming to your house. And I lived in fear for four months after that.

Chana Joffe-Walt

A friend of mine, an assistant principal for decades now, told me he still remembers his mentor explaining early on that the job of a school leader is never inflict pain on an institution. The job is to absorb pain for the institution. It must be confusing to be any kind of public official right now, trying to absorb the pain of the last few years.

How many principals or election officials or public health officials or prime ministers of countries have scrambled to respond to a public that is rageful by doing what they know how to do, by throwing PowerPoints at people, by holding public hearings, printing out color charts, only to finally understand that all the vitriol and misinformation was always going to be too enormous for any one person to absorb. Principal Hill shielded everyone else from distress until it was only hers.

Teresa Hill

But it wasn't just the words. It was the isolation that I felt with it. I felt like I was all alone in dealing with the situation. That is what made me say, I can't do this anymore.

Chana Joffe-Walt

So many of these voicemails are asking for you to resign.

Teresa Hill

Yeah.

Chana Joffe-Walt

So then when you did, did it feel like, oh, I don't want to give them what they wanted?

Teresa Hill

Of course. Of course. But I had to really dig deep and do what was best for me.

Chana Joffe-Walt

What was best for her was the one choice that was completely out of character, something far from her principalness and all her familiar moves. She decided not to be "it" anymore.

Ira Glass

Chana Joffe-Walt is a producer on our show.

Credits

Ira Glass

Today's program was produced by Miki Meek and Bethel Habte. People who put together today's show include Chris Benderev, Sean Cole, Aviva DeKornfeld, Cassie Howley, David Kestenbaum, Valerie Kipnis, Katherine Rae Mondo, Alaa Mostafa, Stowe Nelson, Nadia Reimond, Alissa Shipp, Christopher Swetala, Lilly Sullivan, Matt Tierney, and Diane Wu.

Our managing editor is Sarah Abdurrahman. Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum. Our executive editor is Emanuele Berry. Special thanks today to Ravenna Koenig, Mike Sowiski, and Regina Grossman, and the NASSP. Our website, thisamericanlife.org, where you can stream our archive of over 750 episodes for absolutely free. Also, there's all kinds of other stuff-- lists of favorite shows, videos, tons of things there. Again, thisamericanlife.org.

This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange. Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia. You know, he called me at 2:00 AM today, 2:00 AM, woke me up to tell me he's been having trouble sleeping lately. Could I maybe sing him a lullaby?

Kelsay Irby

I mean, I know it's like unprecedented times, unprecedented requests, but I figured it was worth a shot.

Ira Glass

I'm Ira Glass back next week with more stories of This American Life.

Thanks as always to our program's co-founder Torey Malatia